Many of you probably remember Pat Tilman. Pat was a safety for the NFL's Arizona Cardinals. Pat was a good player, but he really gained our admiration and respect when he walked away from a $3.6 million contract to enlist in the Army. He and his brother Kevin, who also walked away from a professional sports career in baseball, were so moved by the 9/11 attacks they both joined the Army Ranger program in 2002. Parents nationwide hoped their boys would be as loyal and patriotic and selfless.
Like so many stories of war, Pat's did not have a happy ending. He was killed in combat in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Seemingly, no good deed goes unpunished. What we later found out made it seem even more senseless and tragic. Pat was killed by one of his own. A fact so disturbing, the military first tried to cover it up, but weeks later, confessed the details.
A poll reveals that upwards of 80 percent of people leave a church because of a personal offense. This number is staggering. Here we are in the Lord's army facing a formidable but common foe. Like any war, we expect some will fall in the face of battle, but to know that most are the result of friendly fire is unbearable. What makes friendly fire so hard to deal with is that it seems so avoidable. Now accidents do happen, as it likely was in the case of Pat Tilman, but 80% is no accident, it is recklessness. God has a plan that can avoid all the spiritual bloodshed.
Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the 'Sons of God.'" He also said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," and "Treat people in the way you want to be treated." You have also heard that God will not forgive you if you do not forgive others. But forgiveness is only one part of peacemaking; Ken Sande identifies six peacemaking responses. These responses are commanded by God, empowered by the gospel, and directed toward finding just and mutually agreeable solutions to conflict. According to Matthew 18, the first three peacemaking responses are to be carried out personally and privately, just between you and the other party. The vast majority of conflicts in life should and can be resolved in one of these ways.
1. Forgiveness. Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11; see also 12:16; 17:14; Col. 3:13; 1 Peter 4:8). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.
2. Reconciliation. If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. “[If] your brother has something against you . . . go and be reconciled” (Matt. 5:23–24; see Prov. 28:13). “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13).
3. Restitution. Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to negotiate material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4).
When a dispute cannot be resolved through one of the personal peacemaking responses, God calls us to use one of the next three peacemaking responses; they could be called assisted peacemaking. These responses require the involvement of other people in the church.
4. Mediation. If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. “If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along” (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.
5. Arbitration. When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. In 1 Corinthians 6:1–8, Paul indicates that this is how Christians ought to resolve even their legal conflicts with one another: “If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church” (1 Cor. 6:4).
6. Accountability. If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: “If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17). Direct church involvement is often viewed negatively among Christians today, but when it is done as Jesus instructs—lovingly, redemptively, and restoratively—it can be the key to saving relationships and bringing about justice and peace.
Instead of following God's clear plan to preserving the unity of the Spirit through peace-making, Christians often sin by peace-faking or peace-breaking. Peace-faking is an escape response and can come in three stages: denial, flight, and suicide. We act as if it didn't every happen, run from the problem (sometime to another church or away from God), or even can escalate to taking your own life. None of these address the riff between brethren and do nothing to honor God. Peace-breaking is an attack response and also has three stages: assault, litigation, and murder. Obviously, none of these is either profitable nor godly.
Historian and author David McCullough has written such notable works as 1776, John Adams, and Truman. In his book "1776," McCullough highlighted some critical experiences in Adams’ life; one of them has caused me to reflect on the ongoing need for reconciling relationships within the church.
Thomas Jefferson had been Adams’ closest friend. Then they became political rivals and soon were political enemies. John Adams had served for one term as president, but then Jefferson defeated him in Adams’ bid for a second term. Neither of them spoke to the other for twelve years, but then, as McCullough tells it, “Adams initiated the first letter of what was to be one of the great reconciliations in our history. The correspondence between these former presidents lasted until their deaths, and is some of the most wonderful letters in the English language.” I have not always seen such a reconciliation of relationships in the church. Many people insist that it would do no good to do so, and, in fact, make no effort at reconciliation.
The apostle Paul had to reconcile at least one ministry relationship that we know about. After his first missionary journey, he and Barnabas disagreed over whether to take John Mark, who had deserted them on the first missionary journey, with them on a second journey. They had such a disagreement that they parted ways for different ministries (Acts 15:36-41). The relationships Paul had with Barnabas and John Mark must have been reconciled over the years, though, because late in his ministry Paul speaks fondly of John Mark in both Colossians 4:11 and 2 Timothy 4:11.
For me the key to reconciling relationships is Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18:15-17. If your brother or sister has wronged you, indeed if there is any problem between you and a brother or sister, you should go speak to him or her in an attempt to reconcile the relationship. If the person does not listen, you should then take others with you in order to make every effort to reconcile the relationship. In the case of an honest disagreement, the reconciliation effort should not be to convince the other person that you are right and he or she is wrong, but rather to heal the relationship. We ought to pay better attention to this teaching of Jesus in our relationships.
In order to reconcile relationships in this manner, the person who goes to his brother or sister needs to go with an open heart, willing to listen to changes needed in his or her own attitudes. We also need to remain open to a brother or sister coming to us and pointing out where our attitude has hurt a relationship.
In the brief article that I read, McCullough did not indicate what caused John Adams to write Thomas Jefferson and begin the process that reconciled the two men. Perhaps, though, it was his faith. McCullough relates that Adams’ faith in God remained unshaken to the end of his life, and concludes that, “He was as devout a Christian as ever served in our highest office.”
Perhaps we need to let our faith control how we deal with all our relationships, so that even difficult relationships can be reconciled and so give testimony again to the Spirit of Christ within us.
There is no question in my mind that God will open His floodgates of blessing to us if labor to keep Satan from dividing us apart. I am equally convinced that He will not if we don't.
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you " Matthew 6:14
2 comments:
Great article...thanks!
A lesson every Christian should heed! Thanks Jeff
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